Newsbrief: From the Depths of Despair to Feeling the Warmth of the Sun Again
My name is Kimberly, and I am 37 years old. I have been an attorney in California for the last 12 years and have enjoyed the practice of law tremendously.
I am also a survivor of major post-partum depression, which I experienced for nearly five months following the birth of my daughter and only child thus far. Prior to this life- altering experience, I had never experienced depression or any other major mental health crisis. In fact, my pregnancy and delivery were seamless. But a week after my daughter's birth, I found myself unable to eat (and I love food!), unable to sleep, unable to concentrate or even follow my own thoughts to completion.
I realized that something very serious was happening to me that was beyond my control. I called my doctor, who said that I just needed a little sleep, and after all, I was a successful attorney, so this motherhood journey would be a cinch for me, right? After five days of sleeping about two hours a night, I thought I would jump out of my skin. My husband supported my decision to be admitted to the emergency room, though neither of us really knew what was happening.
I was hospitalized twice in three weeks, after being diagnosed with severe post-partum depression. The severe chemical and hormonal changes I experienced after giving birth left me totally incapacitated and unable to deal with unresolved emotional issues, primarily about losing my own mother at age 11. Never in my life had I ever contemplated suicide, and now I was constantly questioning my worth in life and convinced that I had been a complete fraud. For months, I thought the world would be better off without me.
I know what it is like to experience every day and night as a cruel eternity, and waking up feeling as bad as you did the day before with an increased sense of hopelessness.
I am here today not only having survived this depression but thriving as a result. I have an incredible bond with my daughter, and my heart warms just thinking about her! I have returned to work with a vengeance, and am no longer aided by medications. In addition to my husband who stood by me without judgment, my friends provided me with an incredible support network. My cousin drove me to doctor's appointments and to post-partum group counseling appointments, refusing to give up on me. I remember thinking how annoyingly optimistic he was!
My upbringing and cultural experience as an Asian American woman filled me with shame for being weak and in need of psychiatric intervention. I felt like such a failure. People would sometimes ask, "How could this happen to you? You're a successful attorney! You've gotten good grades your whole life!" I resent this model minority stereotype, because nothing is ever good enough, and success is the only option at all times. I felt that I had let myself down, as well as my family who had invested so much in me.
In retrospect I wish that I had participated in counseling that was sensitive to my cultural background. All of the providers were well-intentioned, but I believe there are cultural issues for Asian Pacific Americans who experience depression and other mental health issues. Like me, many feel that they are at fault, blame themselves for not being able to handle it alone, and feel so much shame as a result.
I am here to tell my brothers and sisters in the Asian Pacific American community that we have an amazing sense of inner strength, but that we need to continue talking about mental health issues in our community and acknowledge the courage that it takes to blow the lid off this silent epidemic known as depression.